Two Sides of the Rainbow: Thoughts on Gay Marriage

It's interesting to see the dichotomy of newsfeeds and comments on Facebook. Little did Mark Zuckerberg realize that when he designed and created his social media platform that it would evolve into a political machine. Professions are lost because of ill-advised posts and pictures, words are taken out of context and the "news" is skewed towards our political leanings. In a span of a few hours, I can read left-wing diatribe/op-eds from Media Matters and Addicting Info and right-wring manifestos from Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck. It's not really news anymore that we ingest. Much of it is in the form of entertainment, sure, that's what drives ratings. But the news, regardless if you are right or left leaning, conforms to our worldview. The news serves us a heaping platter of info wrapped in our assumptions and stereotypes so that we aren't challenged into thinking otherwise. This has been even more evident in the current Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage.

I have been reluctant to share my thoughts on the matter, simply because there have been some great reads that are much better than mine, and mainly because I didn't want to make a knee-jerk reaction to something so sensitive to many. To simply wrap up a lifetime's worth of thoughts and biases toward this topic in 160 characters or less is not only counterproductive but insensitive as well. In order for me to completely have an opinion, and to speak with love I must be able to go back and look at my own history. It is only by looking through this lens that I can start to apply my walk with Christ and what the world seems to want me to feel on the matter.


Like most families, I too have gay family members. The ones growing up in my life were confined to one particular group of cousins. Out of the 5 boys, two of them are gay. Both lived in contrasting styles. Cousin X (I'm saving his name because one day he can tell his story) lived with a man (we jokingly called him "Roberta") at the time my family visited him that Thanksgiving when I was a freshman in high school. Up until that point, being gay in my life was one of ridicule. Boys openly called one another faggot when we teased one another, or we referred to anything effeminate as "gay." It was a slur, and I understand why it's a slur now. You didn't want to be "puto" growing up in a Mexican family. Cousin X challenged this worldview.

To me, living a gay lifestyle meant you were flamboyant, sick with HIV or a derelict of society. X held down a relationship with a man, held a job, and could cook better than my mom. Except for the borderline x-rated jokes (especially at the expense of my step-father, who acted like he was going to catch the "gay disease" by just being in the house), it was like being with any other member of my family.

Later, when I was in and out of college, Cousin X moved to Houston (he was living in San Antonio at that time) and ended up working with me at the Harris County Toll Road. I was to keep his lifestyle secret (hence the nickname of his partner "Roberta" came into good fortune when talking about his life) for no exchange other than having an inside joke no one else seemed to know (except for the one gay guy who worked with us who was more out and wanted everyone else to know). X and I became friends. We went to the movies together, we enjoyed the crude humor of Howard Stern (his book, "Private Parts" had just been printed) and most of all, I was able to ask Eddie questions that made me curious. How did you know you were gay? Were you always gay?

X had once been married as well (I think in some sense, to extinguish the fact of his life he was trying to suppress), and when he came out to his father, he was met with understanding and love. Of course, I cannot speak for my cousin X, and his story is his own, but to me being gay was a choice. He was married, had sex with a woman, and found that sex with a man was better. There's wasn't Lady Gaga in the background telling me he was just born that way. And X never argued with me if I felt otherwise. While I was not homosexual, he never tried to persuade me otherwise. That was the other thing about gayness that was prevalent growing up, that all gay men were pedophiles and opportunist. Hang around with a gay man, you were sure to turn gay yourself.

X's brother Y was also gay, but he lived his life much differently. Y had a partner too, but they were outwardly more dysfunctional. Y lived more out as well. He had a nude picture of a man on his fridge like one would have magnets. Need a drink, see a penis. A very large penis. Y was the first to take me and my wife to a gay bar. It was there I realized that gay men at a bar are just happier than straight men at a local bar. I sipped Mike's Hard Liquor and sugar and YMCA wasn't blaring on the radio in a continuous loop like I had thought. And Y drank like no other. My family, who has a rich history in the art of liquor and beer, has nothing on him.

So I had these two views on homosexuality. One flamboyant and one reserved. One's choice vs one's seemingly uncontrollable vice. This went against my worldview on anyone gay. There was a kid my freshman year who was out when it wasn't okay to be out. He wanted to dress for PE in the girls' locker room. Everyone teased him but he came right back at them. He had effeminate ways and I looked upon him with general disdain. I never took the time to get to know anyone else on a personal level who identified with being gay. One man who worked with my mom cross dressed and was "crazy"--in terms of his lifestyle. Crazy being you drink and party all the time. I never was in the position to allow myself to get to know someone homosexual on a regular basis. It's not like I avoided anyone gay either.

Later, when I became a teacher, I was able to work alongside gay teachers and administrators. As an adult, the immature slurs and general disdain was smoothed over by my own self-conscious attitude towards my own actions and because I knew in my heart I was not to treat others with that type of disrespect. Becoming Christian, there was never a sense of "I must condemn homosexuals" wherever I went kind of feeling. It wasn't a priority. I had my own sin to worry about.

So when the Supreme Court upheld same-sex marriage, I had mixed feelings. I don't personally agree that marriage is between man and a man, or a woman with a woman. I wont use this blog to lay the framework from the Bible. That's not my job. Just saying the word "Bible" will probably illicit some kind of reaction that will either be positive or negative. You see, I know there are many that will use the Bible's words to justify just about anything--and both the righteous and the atheists will do this. This wont be that blog. That being said, this is what the Supreme Court's decision means for me in my household.

One, before I agree or disagree with someone on Facebook, I'm going to look within my own marriage. I believe that humans have destroyed the sanctity of marriage. How many divorces and annulments will we perform before we realize that wasn't God's best either? Growing up, there were so many movies and tv shows that put marriage in a bad light, it's any wonder why gays even want the hassle. I don't think many Christians can say anything when their churches are filled with divorced men and women, those having affairs and those living in sin before marriage. Cause guess what, homosexuality isn't the only sin in the Bible related to sin. It's ANY sex outside of marriage. That means no masturbation. That means no hook ups, no affairs, no living together before marriage. Many Christians are silent on this matter. We have a high-school nephew who is having sex with his girlfriend. This isn't God's best, in any form or fashion. When we see him we love him like if he wasn't living this way (and he has other behaviors that falls before God's best as well), but I do joke with him in a biting sarcastic kind of way. It's my one way of suggesting that what he's doing should not be looked upon with favor. Other people in the family will not say anything to him. As Christians we are so capable of allowing our loved ones to live in sin, and not just the sexual kind, but rail on and on about homosexuality. How many of our loved ones are we willing to lose to sin simply because we don't love them enough to speak truth in their lives, and conversely challenging ourselves to live better.

So allowing homesexuals to marry doesn't threaten my marriage. You know what does? Looking at porn, of which I have and still am not completely free from. I know I have a sin that will probably be with me forever. Being married means that I must extinguish that sexual sin. If I can't drop porn, and I'm betting many men who posted on Facebook recently about gay marriage don't either, how can we condemn someone else?

As a Christian, my marriage must be an example to the world that living into God's best. The problem is many on the outside see our lifestyles as not making a difference on the world around them. How many husbands love their jobs more than their wives? How many husbands are not the spiritual heads of their households? I've seen silly memes about how can we get so enraged over two men getting married when celebrities are married in divorced within days. But guess what, no one in their right mind should be basing their marriage on that of a Hollywood celebrity.

What else threatens my marriage? Not loving my wife like Christ loved the church. I'm not always a willing servant towards her. I don't always put aside my selfishness for her needs. No way I'm making some diatribe when I can't even be a better husband on a daily basis.

And lust. Lust threatens my marriage. My lust for a perfect classroom who pass all their tests so I can have a better evaluation. My lust for women I see on a daily basis, regardless if they are in yoga pants. My lust for food to satisfy my cravings. And same-sex marriage is a threat?

Perhaps gay marriage will only make Christians decide once and for all where they stand? Will they decide to love and work on their own marriages, making them the epitome of grace and servanthood. Or will they point fingers while their own marriages suffer? I know that the only way to be the best witness for Christ is to be willing to die to my own desires each and every day. I don't expect non-Christians to understand my feelings towards God and what God calls me to do. The Bible is my playbook, my outline for a life best lived with love. If this makes me a bigot in someone's eyes, that's their judgment. I hope churches can live on their standards without being forced to adhere to something they don't believe in. The Muslims in America don't have to, so why the outcry towards Christians? I know the issues are deeper than baking a cake for a gay wedding too. But I think that if I were to ask Eddie about this, he would say, "I'll bake my own ----ing cake."

God calls all of us to live to his will. This is a call to live a different kind of life. I try to surround myself with the types of influences that can challenge me to be at God's best. I grew weary more than ever this past year, but I'm not ready to throw in the towel. The Supreme Court decisions, and quite frankly, those of our president, governor, mayor or city councilman, don't carry much weight compared to what I read in my Bible. Marriage isn't a right to me simply because it takes two to marry. We don't have a right to much when God can snap his fingers and end us, end me. I wont let a Facebook rant come between me and my eternal gift, the gift he offers freely for all of us. Time to start dying.

Invitation to Canaan

In Greek, the word for "sin" is amartia. It literally means "to miss the mark." It's an archery term that refers to missing the gold. It's not missing the target, it's missing perfection. I was reminded today at my son's baseball game that missing the target and missing totally are two different things. Such is sin.

I'm thinking of it like darts. It's that lime green section right around the red target. Looking closely at a dart board you see where the marks hit the most. There's little dots covering the middle red, or the ring around it. It shows accuracy. I would see a Christian happy with those results. Then there's the holes you see on the outer edge of the board. Some holes are even on the wall (at least they did on my garage). What the hell happened that day? Lose you temper? Yelled at the kids?

Too bad sin isn't so easy to clarify, quantify and categorize. The world makes sins easy to forget by labeling them a disorder or a problem.  It's the whispers of gossip we pass from friend to friend.
He's got a gambling problem. We have clinics and support groups for the various addictions we face, from sex to drugs to alcohol. And if calling them disorders and problems don't erase the word sin from our vocabulary, we call some sins crimes. Crimes can be categorized and given a consequence. I have found that I try and base my sinful nature on the back of someone else's sin. It's not as bad as that guy, I think. It could be worse, I say. But to God, we all fall short.

My son struggled on the mound tonight. His small misses were within the strike zone. He knows that throwing the ball right down the middle is not smart baseball, unless you can throw it by them. My son is a nibbler. He watches the pros eat up batters with off speed pitches and hitting their corners. He had a few full counts on batters, walked two and lost a 10-pitch at bat battle by giving up a 2 run double. His worst miss was the first play of the inning. The first batter hit a comeback up the middle, and like most of the season, my son handled it and readied his throw. But instead of hitting the target of his friend's glove at first base, he threw it high. Eventually the runner scored.  Had he made that play early on, maybe he would have made it out of the inning. We just never know sometimes. Even in life, we make mistakes, some huge ones, and we get to wonder if you made that decision or made that change, how would have the rest of the day been? I've always been fascinated with the idea that the stench of sin can linger longer than we ever expected. Sure, we are forgiven by a just and powerful God. And we certainly aren't perfect. But do the sins we have ultimately lead to other events in our life that can stymy the blessings that God has in store for us? I believe God has given us those answers.

Early in the season, my son made the comment that another pitcher on the team "sucked." He's been vocal other times too about an error a teammate makes, always seeing fault in others. The umpires he saves for his biggest rants. After tonight's game, he vowed to never pitch again. Even God is out to get him. When rain threatened a potential cancellation, he said, "God hates me." Do I believe God is sending a message to my 11 year old? I don't believe God wants us to suffer, but I do believe he allows our actions and tongues to lay the red carpet for fate to intervene.

God has always had a plan for his people. The first people to see this were the Israelites. God promised them the land of Canaan, the land flowing with milk and honey. The Israelites, as you might know, didn't accept this with one accepting free cash. They mumbled, they grumbled, they grew restless and provoked God's anger when things didn't go their way. In Edwin Cole's book, "Maximized Manhood," Cole describes 5 sins that kept them from Canaan.

Lust.
Fornication.
Idolatry.
Murmuring.
Tempting Christ.

I don't have the blog length to go into all of them. I know eventually I will be journaling and giving some perspective on how they apply to me. But I learned something new on the last one. Cole explains that we tempt Christ when we expect God to intervene and bless us even when we fail to live up to the salvation he has given us. We want the pleasures of sin and the benefits of God's grace. This is contrary to God's will and inconsistent with his character, Cole says. We demand that God provide another way to the cross without having to live a life of discipline.

We cheat in our business dealings and wonder why the business isn't doing better. Children reject "the godly counsel of parents" and wonder why their lives aren't better. We demand social programs from our government, and from the pulpit too, but no one wants to live with the discipline it takes to make a lasting impact that could change a life forever.

I always thought tempting Christ was what Satan did to Jesus when he was in the desert for 40 days. In some ways we do the same. We live one way during the week but expect God bless our endeavors. Reading the book is like being hit with darts to the heart. I've been questioning God's plan for my family since this winter when faced with adversity. I want God to "fix" my family troubles but I'm not willing to do the hard work it takes, the devotions, the prayer, the living the right kind of life. When school was tough I questioned whether or not God was with me, but I was unwilling to make the proper changes in my life to allow God to work.

It's clear God allowed me to lay the red carpet of my fate. He's letting me run my mouth, letting me build my house on pleasures and disobedience, thinking that I'll get blessed on the back end because I play the part on Sundays. It's hard to admit defeat. Instead I have buried my head in my phone, my plate of food, my complaints.

I've been mad at God for so long, not realizing that God could care less about the hoops I jump through to impress others and myself. He wants my heart, not my stack of books I've read on Christianity. He wants my submission, to give over the control of my life, not a spreadsheet of boxes checked that make me an outward Christian.

God never said following him would be easy. However the doors of opportunity reveal the red carpet towards a new life. That's the life I want. That's the life worth living. It's an invitation to Canaan.