If you're reading this blog, dear reader, it's because I didn't delete the paragraphs I had been trying before this one. All my blogs are self-therapeutic, my feeble attempt to answer the God questions I have in my life. Some of them get answered, and some lead to more demanding questions. Nevertheless, they also offer a trend of sorts, an EKG of my life since I became a Christian. There are moments of mountainous highs, and there are moments in the valley. This February has been more of a valley.
Tonight I was again left with my questions and a moment to reflect. Even though the youth event was going on in front of me, there I was asking myself why I felt detached from the situation. Where was my heart? As the music played, the answer came as swiftly as my tears. The heart is there. The Holy Spirit is there. It's you who doesn't think it's there.
I continue to have these spiritual experiments with God, where I see just how far I can go "on my own." Most of the variables I use change. Sometimes its food. Let's see how many pounds I can gain! Sometimes its with my medicine. Let's see how my mood swings can go from zero to 100 in a matter of minutes! Who needs anti-depressants! Other variables are more devastating.
On February 3rd of this year, I opened my Bible to read 2 verses from my devotions. One was from 2 Timothy 2:1-6 about enduring hardship. The other was Matthew 5:13-16 about being the salt and light. I didn't open my Bible again for ten days.
Among the highlights of those ten days: My son ends up spending almost 100 dollars on the X-Box buying game packs (the one thing I liked about our games growing up, there weren't all these extras to buy. Nothing to suck a kid into wanting more and more. Not nowadays). He gets it taken away. My paycheck ends up short that pay period. When I went on my mission trip, I did not have enough personal days to cover my absences. So I was docked 2 days of pay. We're stressed financially, moving money around to cover our needs and arguing about what we don't need. My son ends up getting in trouble at school too. An in-school suspension. The pressures of my own job (well-documented on my last blog) increase and my wife's as well.
Those ten days were by far the longest I've had in quite some time. My exodus from my devotions disrupted every facet of my life. There are some things I'm not telling you, dear reader, the arguments, my viewing and computer habits when I as alone, closing the door on the Holy Spirit when it tried to intervene.
When I ended the latest experiment on Feb 13th, I was not the same. True to form, God was the same. That day's devotion? Psalm 119:17-24.
Open my eyes that I may see.
I am a stranger on earth.
My soul is consumed
Remove me from your scorn.
Those were the lines I wrote in my journal. Amid that passage was God reaching down and pulling me from the muck. Again, he held my hand. Even when I thought I didn't need him, He was there to rescue me. However, I still wasn't ready to listen. I was reluctant to pray. I knew I needed to pray. I knew that there needed to be submission on my part. Still, I was reluctant. Petulant. Stubborn. I wanted to revise the experiment. Check the boxes. Go through the motions.
Starting my devotions did not unleash the heavenly armies down on the Cordova home to heal every one of us. Financially we were still recovering. We hosted a fundraiser for our oldest daughter Lisa, who hopes to make it to Tanzania this summer. School was still crazy. My son, who was still grounded from getting in trouble that previous week, got in trouble again. 2 more days with in school suspension. That day's devotion? James 3:1-12.
The tongue is small but makes great boasts.
No man can tame the tongue.
God, again in all his glory, is directly intervening in my life. My son is in love with curse words, much like myself back at that age. The downside of today's technology is that there is so much at the fingertips for our kids to become exposed to. As a parent, I dhad relaxed my standards. The X-Box was first. Parenting by game console. At night he had access to YouTube videos on his iPod. I wont even repeat the words he was writing on paper but I will say that they have become a teaching tool in our home.
Slowly, the effects of the experiment were beginning to waver. On February 19, God spoke again, this time from 2 Corinthians 4:15-18.
All this is for your benefit
Therefore do not lose heart
February 20th, Hebrews 12:1-5.
Let us run with perseverance.
Fix your eyes on Jesus
The Lord disciplines those he loves and punishes everyone he accepts as a son.
I passed the Bible over to my wife that day. We're both sitting here with tears in our eyes. This life is difficult. This life is tough. But amid the battle that I choose to fight alone, there come lessons for survival. We need each other, that's for sure.
And the kids? Now that my son has been off electronics, he's been creative, playful with his sister. There's a mess in her room from all the blankets being used to build a fort. There are Nerf darts all through the upstairs (both of them have been battling ISIS).
My heart? It's doing just fine. I drove around a group of 8th grade girls to their destinations today despite some of the messiest road conditions this month. My wife asked me if I was stressed. No, I told her. I have a job to do, to get them there safely. I will drive as slow as I need and keep my eyes on the road. This weekend was their weekend. A weekend where God is asking them to breathe in his grace and breathe out his praise. It's a good lesson for me too. One breath at a time. One verse at a time. No more experiments.
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