I always seem to take things personally even when I tell myself that I don't take things personally. When my fifth grade students act up for a sub, I sometimes blame the sub, or I blame the kids for showing out in front of a stranger. Inevitably, I feel responsible for their behaviors even when I am not around. I take it personally. When my junior high kids at church participate with shoulder shrugs or "I don't knows" I blame the curriculum, their attention deficits and their backgrounds. But in the end, I always feel I can do more with them. I feel like I'm not being much of a factor. I take it personally. Same thing goes when I lose a friend, or when I haven't been as close to a friend in some time. I blame their kids, I blame their schedules, sometimes even their values, but in the end it always comes back to me. Did I do enough as a friend? Was I being judgmental? Was I not kind enough? Did I open my mouth and say something stupid? I take it personally.
And it's the same feeling I have when someone leaves my church.
It's a heart check for sure. With a church this large, I doubt I know half of the people who regularly attend, much less leave. But the friends who do hit a nerve, that's for sure. There's been lots of articles recently as well, about how the church (not necessarily the one I attend) is dying, how attendance is dropping, how much men hate church and an overall dissatisfaction with anything religious or Christian. It's a trend that was foretold in 2 Timothy 4:3--For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions (ESV).
I can't say I'm that surprised or that the aspect of leaving church or any institution is far removed from my own experiences. My own family seemed to move every summer. My favorite football team, the Houston Oilers left an entire city! Hakeem Olajuwon, my all-time favorite Houston Rocket, didn't even retire in Houston. Moving all my life, I met plenty of teachers in new schools. Some I never saw again. I even left Houston myself once I was married. Leaving isn't anything new under the sun but I think the reasons why we do are ever elaborate. While my daughter played travel softball, we were always meeting a family who was one their newest team.
In a sense, we have put our lives, especially the life we have with Jesus as a sort of free agency. Who do you know anymore that makes commitments? If our sports culture is any indication, our souls can be bought by the highest bidder. This is true on some accounts. There's something attractive about something new. A church has recently moved into a new building up the road. Some of our congregation members have left ours for theirs. I wonder if the new pew (hey, some churches now don't even use pews anymore) smell is still evident in the air.
There's something attractive with the material value of something new. A new phone, a new computer, an updated model, a new car. We want and want. Our church life is no different. As a consumer society, we want the church to make us feel better, to feed us. When's the next big event? Can I get a coffee and a Danish with that sermon? Wow, look at those awesome screens! This church has a band! My church is no different. We have a new café that sells cinnamon rolls and diet Coke. Our worship team is superb at belting out the newest Christian hits. My church isn't that different from what I just described above. But the difference, at least for me, is the feeling I have for the people inside those walls.
For me, I don't mind the corny welcome handshakes before the sermon. I don't mind the robo-calls from my pastor or the fact that I think there's a huge hole in men's ministry that can be served (and yes, I'm part of that problem too) and aren't, or that we have guest pastors who I have zoned out on once or twice. Regardless of all those petty nuances, it's the people.
I know there are those people out there that don't go to church on a regular basis. While I might find it somewhat skeptical that one can keep a relationship with God strong without regular church attendance, for me I know it's all but true. The months I spent away during the summer while my daughter played softball were pretty grueling on me in the long run. I need the relationships of people, serving side by side, the feeling of accountability when the truest form of accountability is with me and God. Being away was not something I needed, despite what others might have said to me at the time about being with my family. I wasn't even much of a father during those softball times. I could have been better, that's for sure.
I now that people who don't attend church think there's a hypocrite behind every corner. I'm one too. But the Holy Spirit prunes away when I get too beyond myself. Sure, I've called out people for not journaling as a way to help them study the Bible. And I've been known to make comments at home about why my friends, some in my own life group, don't even have their own kids involved with the 11 o'clock hour table talk, but I only know what my heart tells me. I know that what I am really trying to say is that my family and I need certain aspects of church and without it we are not as good as we want to be. I just have a bad way of saying it.
I also don't know every situation. I now how hard it was when our kids were younger to get them up and dressed. The days when my son was throwing tantrums at church are still fresh enough for me to understand that. I am blessed with a job that gives me time to serve in different capacities. As a Christ follower, I want to serve. If the church sponsors those activities, that's even better. If I get to serve with friends, even more so.
So for those that haven't found a church home, or have allowed someone to enter their heart and wreck their experiences, I hope they find a community of believers that will walk alongside them. No one can do this life on their own.
I do miss my friends who have left. I miss my friends who still attend too, the ones I don't see as often as I'd like. Sometimes I email them, a text perhaps, and there is sometimes no reply. How else can I feel but personal when it gets that close? I see a Facebook post about finding a new church, or those cryptic "it's time to move one" kind of posts. I know that God places people in your life, both good and bad. Sometimes he wants to teach you something about life, mostly about yourself. Right now I think God is teaching me something about myself too. My reactions to seeing someone go without a proper goodbye probably need some refining. What's awesome is that those who have left our church are finding new ways to serve, new ways to love and new opportunities to tell their story.
My place is home. I'm seeing new faces each week. Perhaps there's a family out there looking to make those connections too. Maybe they want the type of connection with someone that goes beyond a "like" on a Facebook posts, the ones Christians send en masse about the persecution of Hobby Lobby or why they love Chic-fil-A so much. Christianity is not about our eye-rolling attempts to fight a culture war with department stores that don't say "Merry Christmas." It's not about judging women for wearing yoga pants or wishing ill on those who voted Obama. It's not the cinnamon rolls at our café or the new hipster musical director who plays all my favorites in slightly different keys to make them seem new.
In the end, none of us are going to be under some Methodist banner, sitting in heaven cliques, wondering why we haven't seen the arch angel Gabriel in a week. Did he go over to that other church? You think he's just busy with work? With those kids, I wouldn't come here either? None of that is even going to matter.
So, today, no more taking it personally. Love who is here. Love who leaves too. And make sure to love the ones coming in. Get past the corny welcomes and free gift cards. There are relationships to be had in the midst of the noise. Taking it personal? I wouldn't have it any other way.
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